Sharing children sometimes sharing illnesses. It rarely fails that if our children go for more than a day to their other family’s home in another state that they will come home and within a day be ill. They run so hard while they are gone, bed times are thrown to the wind, activities are planned rapid fire because they do not get to be there often, that they are tired, worn out, and susceptible by the time day three comes.
We try very hard to plan a half day or day home early when they are gone for a week or so. It allows the children to come in, sleep, and slow down a day so school isn’t missed the next week. Sometimes its not possible, as it wasn’t last week, there were family activities there until the last moment.
If you are the “visited” parent, please take time to consider that your child will want to stay up 24/7 with you, but perhaps fewer activities and simply more time with you is a way to counteract a child becoming so exhausted they literally are susceptible by the time they are there. After all, its a new environment for them germ wise, and if cousins and step siblings are involved, there are all their exposures as well. The children are very unlikely to not agree to anything you put before them, they do not want to disappoint you!! (but sometimes what can be done in a weekend is not what would be in the child’s best interest)
My two younger children are both sick this last week. They h!
ad been away from home a week, going 24/7 hunting, playing, staying up and having a great time. However, it has not been a great time missing school, doing makeup work, and being ill for several days after they over extended themselves on the trip and subsequently missing a couple of days of school after they got home…
So often our children simply want to “be” with us when they visit….no entertainments or big events necessary….just time with us.
Have a great day
hugs
Sweetie
Sharing Families
We All Do it Differently
The children just returned from Fall break with their new Stepmom and Dad. It was a good week for all. They hunted deer together, they attended a college football game, they gathered at their grandparents home…..they did life their way. The homes are very different but we all love the children.
Being now the “ex wife” more often than the “children’s natural mother” has really been a shift in my role. The children’s father was single for almost a decade after our divorce. We worked well as a team, though separately, without anyone else involved. Last February though that has changed. The dynamics change with a new wife in the picture…and we are thankful for her. I am blessed that she not only loves our children, she chooses to include them in as her children as well. This is her first run at motherhood, and the children both are blessed to have her.
What one doesn’t expect when you leave a traditional situation with your children, is that divorce and remarriage gives outsiders rights to have opinions on your parenting. Often in the last eight months I have had to carefully think through comments said or offered to my children as most likely not meant as they were heard….and I often wonder how many of my own words are used in ways that may sound “off” to the new step mom. I am thankful for her, more than she knows, because we are both trying to simply love the children and help them know they are loved. There is enough pressure on children when there are two sets of parents, without unpleasantness between the parents. Extended family members have accepted our children on both sides, and I am thankful that they are seen simply as “the grandchildren” now his or her children.
Who knew though, that after almost a decade of believing that there is enough room in the children’s lives for all of us, that I would have to remind myself of that fact regularly as we readjusted routines and opened calendars to make the new schedules work. We are readjusting the schedules, the boundaries, and the relationships to keep everyone as included as possible….after all, the children have two families, and I want them to love and participate with all of us without pressure or guilt…..that’s what A Joyful Place Called Home…is all about.
Choosing Boundaries
Choosing boundaries...it is the name of the game with blended or step families. You have a reality of at least one other household in which your child spends time. Just as you cannot control what is served for dinner somewhere else, when your child visits his/her other parent you cannot control what happens there. Of course there are basic health and safety concerns that legally you can require, but those are generally not the issues you have to face as your children grow up.
Our children's households are vastly different. What I do know is we all love the children, albeit differently. My mantra has continued to be our children have enough love for all of us....
Teenage years produce more challenges for step and blended families. Teenagers can definitely push the envelope on communications. In some families, parents are played against one another and living arrangements change like making a bed. In our family, there isn't an option for our children to choose to live with their other parent without a court requiring it. We've been there and aren't visiting that area again. Children should not have the power or authority to choose whom to live with, which in many cases, is instigated over anger over boundaries....or lack of getting their way. The issues don't stop with where a child lives. There are authority issues like what are the boundaries for cell phones, curfews, independence with vehicles, dating etc. Unlike traditional parenting, every parental decision may be debated from the chid's other parent set or grandparents....and while their opinions truly may not count legally, they certainly do count with your child and with the peace level in your home. We try our best to respect and gather input from the children's other parents on decisions that affect them.
We enter a new season this Fall, one with independent drivers, a new teenager, and many new boundaries to revisit with their coming of age. Each step taken carefully, communicating with our spouse first, then the other parents if something we need to let them communicate on, then the children. A unified front matters....when ever we can.
Back to School
The start of school is always an interesting time for a blended family. In some cases the children have just come off of four to six weeks in a different family environment. In our case that is true. Everything changes in August. They come home, they change grades, they have new routines and new environments.
Keeping our family on a happier path means establishing space after visitation to allow the children to "readjust" to home. Allow grieving of their daily time with the other parents, allow them to get ready to begin a new year again.
Simple dinners, a family movie night, time at a park.....we work towards all of them the first few weeks of school until we're back on a weekly pattern of "family night" around the ball games, gym trips and life. Having that family night to count on to have fun, de-stress, to play together is what helps us be a family.
hugs,
Sweetie
Choosing Date Night
When you are a blended family date night as a couple takes on a whole new level of priority. As the family first comes together, there are the days of figuring out how two households do this as one....and your couple hood matters....its like a freshly planted sappling...if its not watered carefully and tenderly cared for, it can be uprooted before it grows.
Les and I have understood from the beginning that date night for our marriage was important. We often had financial issues in the beginning as he moved from a higher paying job to my state with additional children and responsibilities, but even then, we chose our relationship to be as important as any thing else we focused on. I believe that choice was a wise one.
When we first married, the children were often jealous of the new spouse. The truth was that as happyas they were we were marrying, and they were....they didn't want anyone or anything to remove the attention from their parent they had had. For both of our oldest children, this was almost as traumatic as anything else they went through, when you are a single parent, you and your oldest child usually become very close....a new spouse may change how that closeness works....in our case for both of our oldest children it very much did.
Seven years down the road it is almost funny what we have had to do to make date nights happen. From quick trips to Sonic for a 15 minute time out and couple time to literally parking the car and walking at the park....and oh the rules we enacted along the way...."no talking about the children" "no talking about the exs" "no family talk at all regarding extended family" which some nights left us very much in one of two modes....silence or searching for conversations that didn't involve the others! :)
As we enter year eight one of the best decisions we have made is choosing date night. We selected Friday nights when its not football season and Tuesday nights when it is. We often do not leave until close to bedtime and often the dates do not last but an hour or two, but that time is something to look forward to, something to dress up for, something to plan for and that has made such a difference in our marriage.
God is so good, marriage is important and in a blended family, its essential to spend time with both!
