Public Places,Ex husbands, and Horses...

This weekend we drove 1000 miles to witness our daughter's end of camp ride and rodeo in another state. It was a chancy weekend, we knew that we could not pick the children up, yet we had hoped they would be allowed to dine with us afterwards and then drop them off at their dad's like has happened so many times before. We arrived at the camp just as the show began. How appreciative I was of the camp director to make two sets of certificates and pictures, so each family could have one.
The event went well and we hugged their necks and put them in the car with their natural dad and stepmom. Her natural dad mentioned he had planned a surprise birthday pizza party and dinner with them really wouldn't work this time. It would spoil her party. Of course, it was apparent quickly that no such party existed, and afterward the disappointment of a broken promise, twelve year old daughter immediately caught that Dad had simply kept her from spending time with a mom and stepdad she hadn't seen and was very homesick for in six weeks. How sad, and on her birthday eve as well. Legal issues could have been pushed, for I have every right to have her on her birthday eve which according to her paperwork is ours, but in this case, why would I wish to make daughter pay for her natural dad's lack of working together in unity? We hugged her neck, and told her we'd see her next weekend, and assured her it was okay. She was once again put in the position of dealing with disappointment when it doesn't have to be that way.
At the event, I offered to take family pictures of their family so they could all be in the picture. They accepted. Other than that, not one word, nor grunt was made, despite pleasantries being offered. The picture offer was after my exhusband failed to speak, nod, or answer greetings during the hour and a half we were there. Thankfully the new stepmom is not as avoiding of pleasantries. The children need all of us, preferably getting along or at least neutral. How sad that my children's father has chosen this route after last year's move to another state on our part. Before this last six months, we were able to sit near each other at events and share happy times as two couples supporting their children.
My friend Bob Collins, the Stepcoach, says stepfamilies require "Love beyond all Reason" and I felt that exactly this weekend. We do what we have to do to support our children having as little stress as possible. Was I disappointed? Yes. Was I irritated by the ex behavior? Absolutely. Did I choose to show it? As much as possible no. Our children were the main event Friday night, not their natural parents' lack of relationship. Better to shelf the frustrations and disappointments and simply applaud the children's events! After all we'd drive ten hours to be there to support her!
Unhealthy people do hold on to anger. Unhealthy people choose to place blame on others. The truth is though, that if I hold onto that anger past sundown, I am just as guilty of sinning. God tells us to forgive each other so we can be forgiven....and whatever pain it is to get over my flesh...its bound to be better than a life without God's forgiveness! Life in a step family can be very challenging. You are asked to love without love returned, to forgive without forgiveness at times, to reach out to those who may indeed not reach back in kindness. The best of all world's though is when we can get past our own selfishness and do what is right for the children, which in my humble opinion is to allow them to love all of us without guilt, shame, or having to choose.

hugs,
Sweetie

Summer Visits

Visitation is still underway. We have our college boy home and our two younger teens at their natural dad's in another state. It is a different time, one that is good and hard all at the same time. Cell phones and the internet mean that we have an easier route for communications between us, but the distance is still there.
We live 400 miles from my children's father. It makes me so aware after living years in the same 80 mile area, how hard it is for him that the children now don't come every other weekend as they used to. The truth is his job has changed, and even if we were still there, it would be difficult because he works so many of the weekends. We were liberal about visitation times, we shared them more than any paperwork required, so it was truly a change when distance and high school activities changed my son from being able to go on the weekends.
As step and blended families reach teenaged years, visitation takes on a different level complexity. Children in sports cannot leave their teams in the fall or spring to travel without cost to the team and to themselves. Children in band competitions and other organizations are penalized for missing weekend activities, yet they still need their other parents.
What we have found is that moving to an area if possible works. We moved to Arkansas to be near the children's natural father and parents. It wasn't a happy move for me at the time. I had no desire to give up my job where I was, my home, nor my life. However, as a single mom, it simply didn't make sense so many years ago to stay six hours away where my children would have to go through twelve hours in the car per weekend to see their dad. They were little, and it was hard on all of us.
Later, their father moved back to his parents home town to be nearer where we settled seventy miles from them. It gave us two different arenas to live in, but easy enough to get the children back and forth.
Economies change and my husband's job was moved to another state. Both parents tried to move to the new area. We stayed, he did not. Change is hard. New communities require new investment of yourself to become part of it. He didn't choose to. We had to, and we did.
Step and blended families have choices that are so foreign to traditional families. The children's needs must be considered, its not just about the adults' lives anymore....yet God still is first, marriages second, then the needs of the children....even when the order is difficult...God is God and we are not.

How is your summer visitation going?

Children and sports in the blended life.

After seven years of sharing children with two other households, we have seen a fair amount of times when the children indeed paid for our status. This summer, our children are with their natural father for six weeks of the summer. They are thrilled to be there, but there are also costs.
Baseball and swim season is a big deal where we are. It begins in April and goes through July. ... Our children didn't choose to participate this year because they knew that to do so meant that they had two choices: 1. Miss practices/games to do visitation with their much loved dad or 2. Put their heart and soul into a team they would then walk away from mid season.
Tough stuff for a step and blended family...baseball was a passion for one of our children, but he would prefer to do without than risk hurting anyone's feelings. Where did that leave him though? His friends simply didn't understand. There was pressure from coaches to not go for the summer. (like that would work...how silly!) and most of all, son and daughter knew once again that they weren't part of "the set"...you know...that imaginery group of "normal" folks who have it together.
This summer our church has a program for girls ages 9-13. One of the best situations I have seen for step and blended families. Each week is set up to be totally inclusive for that session (2 hours) so that visiting family, step children, or foster children will have a complete experience without penalty for being "temporary". The church has gone out of its way to identify to the local congregation that we must reach out to step and blended family members who are on their six week visitation. They have included them in newsletter mailouts before they arrived, they included them in personal invitations to the events during their time with their other parent, grandparent or care giver. They have made a point to prepare our youth to receive and reach out to the children who are in a different environment for the summer.
I appreciate that effort. For my own children face summer in a community they don't attend school in. They would like to be a part of things there, but like every other teenager, its tough to be the new guy every year for six weeks.
What can we do to help our children and those children who have temporary situations (foster care, visitation, visiting relatives) have positive experiences in the churches and organizations we know? What rules do we need to look at to see if they are inclusive or simply not appropriate for today's family (example: miss a practice and you're "out" when the other parent has control of part of that time)

Be blessed!
Sweetie

Summer Time Toxic Transfers

This morning is the morning we load up the two youngest children and meet their dad and new stepmom 3.5 hours on the road from here and the children go for the next 4 weeks. Its an exciting time for them as well as a nervous time.
Toxic times if you ask me....you see, they are in the neverlands....excited to be with dad, sorry to be missing their friends here, thrilled for the possibilities summer has in the country at their grandparents, frustrated that they are missing church and youth trips here. For the last four days before they go we see their fallout despite their excitement to be going. Toxic turnovers are part of the step and blended family visitation times. My children get nervous about the changes and it affects each of them differently. One of my older children used to get plain silly for a week before he saw his mom. You could count on him forgetting simple things and walking around like he was in a daze. Son2 is more angry. He gets angry about any detail regarding meeting on the road...he just wants peace....and to not have any schedule...and of course moving families is like a tactical movement in the army....there are logistics to work out...who, where, when, how, what do they take, when do they come back, who does the drop offs and gets the targets home? lol
There is usually a move for power on the other end at our toxic transition. Times are changed and locations at the very last minute change, mainly to make sure I am not in charge...which is fine with me...it just adds one more apple to the overturned applecart of trying to get them ready and out the door.
Families do toxic transitions every which way. We personally prefer the meet 1/2 way mode. We usually share a meal or snack together then part. The meal may be the shortest on record, but we try to have a common front for that time period. We purchased each child their own phones when they reached 10 because that way they can call us without it being a long distance issue. It also means there is less likelihood of anyone leading them NOT to call....you'd be amazed how busy they got one summer, we never were able to get them on a phone but 3 times for six weeks....usually they talk here three times a day with their other parents there each day...can you say working on custody changes? (Later the court did not affirm any changes to move there)
Today the letter writing campaign begins. My youngest at 12 still likes to know she can get mail, so I write there while she's gone. The first had to be mailed last Thursday to be there Monday, but it matters.
The truth is my children need their father, his wife, and their grandparents. The truth is also that for our family, it is a time to focus on our college boy who is home for the summer as well as each other while the house is just us. It will be a busy time in our work life, so we will work harder to the down time. Who knows maybe Mt Washmore will be caught up!

God is good, and may the Toxic Transfer begin!

Mother's Day

One of the more brazenly interesting things that happen in step and blended families, is you are put in the position of having to walk your talk more than the average bear. If you don't, you have two sets of families, two sets of children reporting on your reality to their other parents.

Not only are you rearing children with another women you most likely wouldn't have seen coming in your childhood (Ooooh, pretty please, may I grow up, be left by my husband, and then get to share my children's upbringing with someone he picks?....nah, not me either) but the truth is that my children will reap the benefits of me being the adult I am supposed to be. This is our first year with a new step mom on the plate. We are excited about her, she is a first time spouse, and first time step mom, no children biologically of her own yet.

There is no rule book, so I could simply, as birth mom, ignore her and then pretend she didn't exist. However, my children love their father, and I want them to love their new step mom too. She isn't in competition with me. I am not her competition either (as if, she's 28, I'm 44...and we are as opposite as perhaps we can be) However, there's room in their hearts and mine for both of us.

This new bride and step mom will influence my children. They are 12 and 15, and will spend six weeks with this new to them step mom this summer. She will be at most holidays, some ballgames, and events in their life for the rest of their lives. I'm not even sure she realized just how much difference she's made already. The children and their dad were a tight three pack, now they are having to learn that Dad has a new partner and they are a two pack that comes after her. They will learn things from her. So far, they've learned she's willing to share their father and isn't going to make him stop being in constant contact with them. They've learned he's found his laughter again and is happier than he has been in a while. They've also learned that wedding weekends can be fun. I am thankful. She is truly caring of their needs and I am thankful for that as well.
Mother's day comes up this weekend. There are those who say "She's not their mother" but truthfully she is their step mom. She could have said "They are his problem" but she didn't, she has engaged with my children, calls them weekly, and makes them welcome and her family has too. (how thankful I am for that she will never fully know) Yes, I could wait and send her a card next week when its Stepmother's Day on May 17th, but I want her to know that they and we are thinking of her too. No, we don't have to ....its not in the rule book....but I know when I was the new step mom for our two oldest, it meant alot when I received a Mother's Day card from their mother, particularly at a time when it was rather bitter that I had custody of her children....a complete stranger who had married her ex husband and moved with him to another state. Yet we knew from day one it was in our children's best interest to work things out.
That's the thing, it is always in your children's best interest to work things out. There's enough love in your children's hearts for all of you, just as you are. The marriage/divorce is history, that's not an option any more, but today and the future....it doesn't need to be filled with yesterday's anger, resentments, and catty comments. Forgive whatever happened, prepare your heart to go forward....yes, there are boundaries that have to be held with unhealthy folks, or folks who have no boundaries themselves, but the simple things, they can be managed....civility....kind words....affirmations to your children that its okay to love others....to like others.....to enjoy time with others.....even if it has to be done in the boundaries of which it can be safe to do so.
If your other parent(s) aren't participatory, it may not be they are the silly gooses you make them out to be. They may be reeling from the guilt of leaving, or reeling from the reality of not rearing their own child themselves, or they may be hurting in ways you have no idea that exist. Divorce leaves many scars, custody battles even deeper ones.....you don't have to become best friends, but what does it hurt to allow them to know their children even if the desire is unreciprocated? One of my friends sends monthly email newsletters to her children's father....he never calls, writes, anything....but he appreciates the connection, even if he cannot tell her himself.....he has shared it with others who did. ...and she was told that he simply couldn't handle dealing with the pain, but he loved hearing about his children. That's valid folks.....we'd wish them to get help or get past themselves...but some folks can't.....wasn't that part of the problem in the marriage to begin with?
Mother's Day....for me its a time to reflect just how thankful I am for an exhusband who does work with me to rear these children. Our times have not been easy together after our divorce nine years ago...but we have and try to always choose what works for the children....and that's what matters.